peculiar thoughts and feelings.

I would like to start off by greeting anyone who somehow finds their way to encounter my blog. To be exact, this isn't just a blog to me. This is where letters I wanted to send to those people who means a lot to me. The memories of what happened in my life that had them in it. From travelling, events, heartfelt messages, poems for my first love to this. Yes, as you read the title of this post, you may or may not wonder. As to why it is being titled like that, it's because I've been feeling not myself lately. I have many irrelevant thoughts running across my mind that make me doubt what I should not and never. These peculiar feelings range from sadness, guilt and heartache. The good news is I've cleaned my room, finally, after months of not touching the things I should unpack and re-organise. My room now smells amazing, like roses in the garden but the fragrance is much more enhanced. I've removed everything that I find disturbing my peace and pains my eyes. Only people who stayed in this room of mine know how humid it is. Thank You, for the beautiful and scorching hot sun that rises whilst shining brightly. My family and I are trying to fix the humidity problem as the aircon's in my room just stops functioning well. Due to the pandemic and MCO, we had to postpone numerous activities that were supposed to be completed by this year. Despite all that, I'm content to see my bedroom is finally looking like one and not a rat cage. 

See how that ranges? My thoughts are not aligning in only one path. I haven't even completed my thoughts about describing what I'm feeling but then I jumped to this, stories of my own bedroom. I could think of more than five things at once but rarely completed the thinking process. Actions I've made and taken only produced less than 70% efforts, nevertheless, I did try. Fun fact, I moved back into my house in May 2021 and wanted to clean, organise, decorate my bedroom. Instead, I stayed in my youngest brother's room, fantasizing about what may not happen anytime soon. My imagination runs wild as I fantasize about the bitter and sweet events that had never occurred in my life. Although I've done some fantasy, it really did happen but only after reality occurred first. 

 

Dearest love, 

I am, thinking about you. How do I stop this? It's fatiguing. You appear before me and like I'm hallucinating, I am talking to you. Perplexing that we were once strangers who became friends. At this moment in time, we are strangers, again. I once envisioned a life of us. A family of 6 with beautiful daughters and dashing sons. Seems that you are now, blissful with her. What of me? 

Your sympathetic feelings towards me are displeasing. Suffering from what you have told me once is enough knowing that you do not feel the same. Therefore I understood it magnificently. Beloved, I am exhausted. Loving you was a journey and yet, I haven't made it to the destination. Must I confess that I fear of moving on. Losing you will be the greatest loss in my life. However sorrowful it may be, I wish to embark on a lifetime excursion.

Peace Be Upon You

 Its been a while since the last time I wrote on this blog. The year 2020 has been hectic and chaotic for me. It isn't just because of the pandemic that has been suppressing our souls and mind. Before the pandemic, I went to South Korea for 5D4N. During my family vacation, we heard about the news and was devastated to hear that the virus has spread unforgivably. Honestly, I never would expect that the impact of the virus was majorly severe. Malaysia had a lockdown for almost 4 months. A lot went through my life during the MCO. I found myself searching for the path that could lead me back to Allah SWT again. I knew I had gone astray and missed out on a lot of opportunities to worship Him. Just that, that moment of my life, I didn't write. I was lost and all I could do was turning the surah Ar-Rahman on the speaker to make sure all the beautiful Quran recitation goes on in my head. I was appreciating the melody of Ar-Rahman. As days go on and weeks passed, I find myself confessing everything that I felt during the time. I knew that The Almighty had known what I wanted to tell Him but I knew that The Almighty is the All-Hearing and The Most Loving.

I was suffering from depression. I lost myself as I anticipated more from people. Had I known, had I strongly felt that Allah's connection with me is closer than my own jugular veins, I would never expect anything from people. The expectation and anticipation made me lose myself in the deepest darkness. I was suffocating but blinded with the lies of the world. Then, one day, I decided, to take a small but consistent step towards The Almighty. I wanted to be one of the humans that stands high besides The Almighty. I wanted Jannah, I yearned for the after-life and slowly, I let go of the anticipation. 

 Depression is mental health. Depression is curable, seek for help, manage yourself in the calmest way possibly. When I found out, I was a bit too late but Ar-Rahman helped me. Ar-Rahman means The Merciful. I am gifted and presented with beautiful favours. I am grateful to Allah SWT and my parent.

18th July 2020

 The day I realised how suffocating is helpless feelings. The day where I was surrounded by beautiful lies that were covered with the ugly truth. It is also the day where I almost gave up on everything in my life. The pain I felt was too lonely for me. It was noisy lonely. Pain that wreck me from inside that made me forgotten the important facts. What they did to me, attacked me, hit me like a grenade. I will never forget their words. I will always try to forgive them even when they didn't apologise to me for what they've done. I prayed with tears streaming down on my cheeks so that their hearts are filled with guilts. I prayed that whenever they looked at me, they'll look at me with love. That is how I try to survive the bottom rock I was in. Experience told me how a friend can turn into a foe. I didn't realise that the people I expected more from them would push me to the lowest phase of my life. What happened was part of my fault but I didn't deserve to be treated such as that. However, I went through it, I rise above. Alhamdulillah, they came and apologise. Patience is the most painful experience for me but it taught me the things I was suppose to learn about the real life.

 The meaning of life, to me is that its a beautifully painful trial. It will end as the worlds ending. We will begin another life which is the afterlife. Life has hit me to the walls, to the dirtiest ground but I will never give up. I will never want to give up. I will try my best even when I am about to give up. Life can push me down on to my knees but I will never bow down to giving up. Allah SWT is with me through and through. I believed that when we are confident with the magnificent power of Allah, and that when we never doubt Allah, I believed that we can make it. 

Life is like a beautiful garden but Lord knows how the garden actually looks like. The beautiful garden has worms, germs, and maybe parasites and any other things that are smally viscious. Then we grow the garden, make it bigger and wider. But then, the storm hits, tsunami blasts. That is when we decide to either stand back up or give up. If we give up, the garden will never grow and all the unwanetd things comes out. If we stand back up then start hustling to grow the garden, we'll prevent the unwanted things and make a shield. As we stand back up, it means we have learnt during our shallow times. It means we have made those shallow memories turned into an experience filled with knowledge.

The Year

I'm 17 this year. Wow, how time flies. Right now, in my house accompanying my youngest brother, I finally got time to post something. My hands are so stiff hahaha. So, a lot of things had happened tho it hadn't been 5 months since school started. For the first time, I passed my additional maths but failed in biology & chemistry. It's not admiring enough for a future doctor and so I've decided to break a leg this year. I'm chasing 9As and I need it. May Allah grant me 9As for SPM this year. Well, I need to work extra hard on it and not just fooling around with people.


My ex-crush, we all know who. He graduated from school & passed his SPM with flying colors. Got 8As, such a hardworking person, sadly, he just lacks one thing which is appreciation. I heard, his family had moved to Sarawak and the only person that stays in the capital city of Malaysia is him. He got himself a job, an apartment and he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend. I never asked people, information came & it knows how it needed to be landed on my ears. To my ex-crush, if I mean, if you're reading this, might as well you know that I look up to you. My best wishes & support for you is to never give up even when life puts you in pits of shits and I know you'll find a way out to survive. I pray for your success & that you'll be surrounded with kindhearted, sincere people in the future. The path may lead you to the rocky ones but never let it mislead you. Hear your heart out and if you need a shoulder to cry on, as a friend, I'm willing to give you a hand to hold, a shoulder to embrace, and a smile to make your heart calm. The history that happened between us, let time fold it into pieces & kept hidden, locked within our memories, therefore, there are many things beyond us to experience. If we were to meet again in 10 years later, I pray & wish that you & I lead a stable, happy, sophisticated, successful life.

 The main person of this post is actually me. I failed to lose fat & regain weight, yes I am suffering now. Just two days ago, a friend of mine teased me with shitty words. He made me depressed & I felt losing hope. I felt like I just needed to die. Despite that , I planned for a perfect, successful, wealthy, healthy & happy life. I don't need a man to regain consciousness. For now, I love Lee Donghae earnestly, honestly, wholeheartedly & I'm willing to give it all to be with him with Allah's blessing.

Donghae , I love you.

I don't know where to begin but for sure , I love you. I know we're 17 years apart and I don't mind , I wish you don't mind too. Donghae oppa, I want to meet you. I'm hoping for that one specific day to arrive. A beautiful , perfect day where I can meet Donghae and share amazing memories with him. Honestly , I'm always dreaming in the castle , like having a warm , comfortable chat with Donghae at a beautiful place and a comfy weather.

I won't say : "Love me oppa because I have loved you for a very long time , repay my feelings".
Love is not something that humans can force , there's no way it's gonna happen. If fate allows , insha allah , I'll be with you oppa. Yes , I loved you as Donghae the ordinary man , not Donghae the famus singer. I've admired you and to say I'm obsessed with you , its wrong. I'm not obsessed , I just hoped and pray that you would be mine one day and I'd be yours truly.

Ps/: I;m listening to Evanesce II bu Super Junior D&E

The Only Thing That Matters

I had enough with their shits honestly. I'm too tired to even care about what are they up to. I said bad things to them but its true. I know that it taste bitter to swallow all my words. Even if they want to harm me , I'm not even a bit afraid of them. I know that it's actually one of the genius way to caught them and put them behind bars. I don't even like the fact that those people are related to me by blood. I never once like the fact that I shared the same blood with people who do shits. I don't know how's my future planned for me. i hoped for the best , only. I want to study abroad at the top Medical University and work , succeed my throne and have my own house , cars , things that I want. Marriage? I'm not gonna marry the people who is in the same country as mine. I want to marry a Korean or American or maybe British man. One of those of course. Why? Because man came from those 3 countries are hot & kind. That's my taste , not even being racist but I had my own dream man. To be married is to be tied in knot , staying with my partner and share our love and spread it through generations. For me , getting marry early is not well suited for me as I want to chase my dream as a doctor. I want to build my own hospital , a foundation for those in need and I want to make  everything that I create is equal for everyone.  Society doesn't need to be separated by wealth , power , position , colors of skin , races and religions.
I'd like to spread humanity so that the world would be a better place before the end of day.

동해 , I love you. I know you won't heard me. I'm confessing. You don't know how much I adore you. Even now , I wanted you to be mine forever. Our age gap is huge but what's wrong in that? Its not like I'm 12 and you're 72. We're not that distant. 자기야 , 사랑해 , I hope you won't be getting married to anyone until I meet you and things can start there. I love you , I need you. Writing this , I wished for you to acknowledge me and give me the chance to love you even more.  I wanna grow old with you till death do us apart. I wanna be close to you as someone who is your partner , your lover forever. I want  you to be a part of my life and I'm hoping and praying that I could be a part of your life too. We have so much differences in many aspects but things change. It may be hard but I'm willing to go to all the struggles to be with you and be the woman in your heart after your mom forever.

왜 너는 너무 귀엽고, 귀여우면서도 섹시 해? 이봐, 너는 뭔가있어. 그 무언가는 사랑으로 가득 찬 단어이지만 나는 설명 할 수 없다. 완전한? 귀엽다? 나는 네가 그 모든 좋은 것들이지만 나쁜 것들은 아니라고 생각한다. 동해씨 ,             사랑해요 ,

너의 유일한 뮤즈가되고 싶다.

Seoul , Korea

I've visited Korea for a couple times , found myself missing that country so much. Seoul is where I left my soul. Didn't want to leave and wanted to stay. So , what i'm gonna do is that , I'm going to make sure , I scored in my exams and got straight As , and I'm thinking of studying abroad in Korea. The course that I'll be selecting is , Medical , of course , 6 years of studying and I can't jump eventho I score 4 flats. Learning is hard but the outcome of those efforts I put in , Insya Allah , its gonna be straight As in my hand. I wanna make my parents proud of me , don't wanna let them down anymore. Also , I'm in love with someone now , Insya Allah , it'll last. Lee Donghae oppa , if you're reading , I'm hoping so ahahaha , just want you to know that I love you so much and it doesn't hurt the way I used to love someone before you. Haru & One Day , just like your cafe name , I'm hoping that one day , we will meet again when I'm matured enough to be called a lady , and when my career is going well. Now, I'm still 16 years old and studying in Malaysia , my country. They say , distant love are hard yet I'm hoping it to happen. Donghae Oppa , you are that Winter cold , my heart shivers whenever I see you and listened to your voices. You are that Spring where Cherry Blossom blooms and I would love to take an ootd with you. You are that Autumn where Falling leaves fallen and I would love to have you by my side my munchkin. And you are that Summer , where the hotness fill in with passion of love burning. Here I am once again , writing this. XOXO Kang Hyena