Its been a while since the last time I wrote on this blog. The year 2020 has been hectic and chaotic for me. It isn't just because of the pandemic that has been suppressing our souls and mind. Before the pandemic, I went to South Korea for 5D4N. During my family vacation, we heard about the news and was devastated to hear that the virus has spread unforgivably. Honestly, I never would expect that the impact of the virus was majorly severe. Malaysia had a lockdown for almost 4 months. A lot went through my life during the MCO. I found myself searching for the path that could lead me back to Allah SWT again. I knew I had gone astray and missed out on a lot of opportunities to worship Him. Just that, that moment of my life, I didn't write. I was lost and all I could do was turning the surah Ar-Rahman on the speaker to make sure all the beautiful Quran recitation goes on in my head. I was appreciating the melody of Ar-Rahman. As days go on and weeks passed, I find myself confessing everything that I felt during the time. I knew that The Almighty had known what I wanted to tell Him but I knew that The Almighty is the All-Hearing and The Most Loving.
I was suffering from depression. I lost myself as I anticipated more from people. Had I known, had I strongly felt that Allah's connection with me is closer than my own jugular veins, I would never expect anything from people. The expectation and anticipation made me lose myself in the deepest darkness. I was suffocating but blinded with the lies of the world. Then, one day, I decided, to take a small but consistent step towards The Almighty. I wanted to be one of the humans that stands high besides The Almighty. I wanted Jannah, I yearned for the after-life and slowly, I let go of the anticipation.
Depression is mental health. Depression is curable, seek for help, manage yourself in the calmest way possibly. When I found out, I was a bit too late but Ar-Rahman helped me. Ar-Rahman means The Merciful. I am gifted and presented with beautiful favours. I am grateful to Allah SWT and my parent.
18th July 2020
The day I realised how suffocating is helpless feelings. The day where I was surrounded by beautiful lies that were covered with the ugly truth. It is also the day where I almost gave up on everything in my life. The pain I felt was too lonely for me. It was noisy lonely. Pain that wreck me from inside that made me forgotten the important facts. What they did to me, attacked me, hit me like a grenade. I will never forget their words. I will always try to forgive them even when they didn't apologise to me for what they've done. I prayed with tears streaming down on my cheeks so that their hearts are filled with guilts. I prayed that whenever they looked at me, they'll look at me with love. That is how I try to survive the bottom rock I was in. Experience told me how a friend can turn into a foe. I didn't realise that the people I expected more from them would push me to the lowest phase of my life. What happened was part of my fault but I didn't deserve to be treated such as that. However, I went through it, I rise above. Alhamdulillah, they came and apologise. Patience is the most painful experience for me but it taught me the things I was suppose to learn about the real life.
The meaning of life, to me is that its a beautifully painful trial. It will end as the worlds ending. We will begin another life which is the afterlife. Life has hit me to the walls, to the dirtiest ground but I will never give up. I will never want to give up. I will try my best even when I am about to give up. Life can push me down on to my knees but I will never bow down to giving up. Allah SWT is with me through and through. I believed that when we are confident with the magnificent power of Allah, and that when we never doubt Allah, I believed that we can make it.
Life is like a beautiful garden but Lord knows how the garden actually looks like. The beautiful garden has worms, germs, and maybe parasites and any other things that are smally viscious. Then we grow the garden, make it bigger and wider. But then, the storm hits, tsunami blasts. That is when we decide to either stand back up or give up. If we give up, the garden will never grow and all the unwanetd things comes out. If we stand back up then start hustling to grow the garden, we'll prevent the unwanted things and make a shield. As we stand back up, it means we have learnt during our shallow times. It means we have made those shallow memories turned into an experience filled with knowledge.
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